I had none for all of the usual reasons, and then some, including that it seems selfish to bring a child into the world as it is: full of fear, disease, and war. Are the joys of life worth it?
In my twenties I was uncertain as to the genetic merits of my blood line, and those of the men I met, which in retrospect seems like heavy thinking for a young woman. Doctors told me that I had health conditions that would make childbearing difficult, but they may have been mistaken and I may have allowed my early miscarriage to overly frighten me.
In sixth grade at age twelve, when I heard the finer points of what my responsibilities in procreation would be, my instantaneous gut response was, no way, not me. Impregnation seemed interesting, but carrying the weight of a cantaloupe inside of me seemed like a bad design plan, and birthing was definitely gross, they said it would be painful, and I risked death in it. Also, I noticed how boys, men were handling their procreative responsibilities, and I was not impressed.
When I became a woman, I tried every which way to meet a marriageable man, but failed utterly. Later I tried to adopt on my own, but it was never financially feasible. In my forties I decided to become a foster parent. I had a lot of love to give and I was willing to give it to whichever child fate sent to me. The day I passed the foster parent program my social worker told me that I was such a good woman that she wished that she were my foster child, as we planned which child I would take into my care. She thought that I could manage twin toddlers who had recently been injured and orphaned, I had been thinking of starting with a preteen or even a teen. The following week I was laid off from work, putting it all on a tight money hold that never loosened its grip.
Sometime I still wonder if I have qualities that maybe should not have been extinguished from the human herd. I definitely regret not being able to express my maternal feelings, having no spouse, having no children, having no grandchildren, and I am saddened that I could not nurture even one child. Cruel fate brick-walled me away from children.
by Annmarie Throckmorton 2018