Why I Have No Children.

I had none for all of the usual reasons, and then some, including that it seems selfish to bring a child into the world as it is:  full of fear, disease, and war.  Are the joys of life worth it?


In my twenties I was uncertain as to the genetic merits of my blood line, and those of the men I met, which in retrospect seems like heavy thinking for a young woman.  Doctors told me that I had health conditions that would make childbearing difficult, but they may have been mistaken and I may have allowed my early miscarriage to overly frighten me.


In sixth grade at age twelve, when I heard the finer points of what my responsibilities in procreation would be, my instantaneous gut response was, no way, not me.  Impregnation seemed interesting, but carrying the weight of a cantaloupe inside of me seemed like a bad design plan, and birthing was definitely gross, they said it would be painful, and I risked death in it.  Also, I noticed how boys, men were handling their procreative responsibilities, and I was not impressed. 


When I became a woman, I tried every which way to meet a marriageable man, but failed utterly.  Later I tried to adopt on my own, but it was never financially feasible.  In my forties I decided to become a foster parent.  I had a lot of love to give and I was willing to give it to whichever child fate sent to me.  The day I passed the foster parent program my social worker told me that I was such a good woman that she wished that she were my foster child, as we planned which child I would take into my care.  She thought that I could manage twin toddlers who had recently been injured and orphaned, I had been thinking of starting with a preteen or even a teen.  The following week I was laid off from work, putting it all on a tight money hold that never loosened its grip.


Sometime I still wonder if I have qualities that maybe should not have been extinguished from the human herd.  I definitely regret not being able to express my maternal feelings, having no spouse, having no children, having no grandchildren, and I am saddened that I could not nurture even one child.  Cruel fate brick-walled me away from children.

 Caption:  Brick-Walled

by Annmarie Throckmorton 2018


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